So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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