Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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