if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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