it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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