Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
