I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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