i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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