I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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