I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
