Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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