Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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