hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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