I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
