just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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