A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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