Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
