Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
