I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
