Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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