i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
