Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
