My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
