fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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