Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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