I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
