It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
