This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
