you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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