i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
