we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
