i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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