the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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