I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So here I am, sexting at work.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
