you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
