Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
