I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
