thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize