i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
