I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
