Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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