My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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