The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
