I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
