You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
