I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
