Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did i walk over a car last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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