there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
