Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
