Got a toothbrush?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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