Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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