Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
