Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Randomize
