I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
