or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
