it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
