Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Houston, we have a squirter
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
