I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
